Blog 12

Abundance, Creating, Shedding

It is the end of May, and we are blooming into the warmer seasons of the year. Lately, I have been working a lot on the concept of abundance and what it personally means to me. It seems this concept is all the talk these days. Living with abundance. That we are deserving and worthy of abundance. That it is achievable for everyone.

But the concept can still be a bit vague sometimes. As we are so conditioned by society to want “money.” But what is that money really for? 

This month, I will be bringing in more money than I have ever brought in. It is exciting, and feels like a milestone in terms of my success. Even with that, I am still trying to understand the concept of abundance in my life. The increase in income certainly gives me feelings of having more, but is it more of what really fills me up? My soul? 

A lot of the work on manifesting abundance has to do with looking at what our blocks are regarding it. The concept is that we already have full and complete access to the abundance that we deserve. Not in a narcissistic way, but in the way that we are complete whole beings in a universe that is infinitely giving and limitless. But we are conditioned as children to feel there is something incomplete in ourselves that restricts us from this abundance. From this access to the limitless potential of the universe that we are all a piece of. 

So we block ourselves, subconsciously, and feel that until we achieve something specific, or develop a certain quality, then we will really be deserving of that abundance. We are told that this abundance is only allowed to the select few who are lucky enough to get a piece of it, and the rest of us will have to just admire from afar our entire lives, and wish we were born into a more affluent life. 

The work I have been doing breaks down those cultural concepts, and asks you to look at what your mental blocks are in feeling why you are not deserving of this abundance. Why can it be someone else, but not yourself? 

It is difficult to look at aspects of ourselves that we are not fully open with. There are certain creative projects that I have this strong urge to pursue, but there is a hesitation to just do them. They have to do with sharing my voice, my words, and putting myself on camera. And as I watched from afar, other women in my demographic doing this, I desired to create the same type of work, but I felt they had something that I didn’t. 

So the abundance work asked me to question these blocks. Why were they deserving and not I? 

In my mind, I felt that they had a natural presence on camera that was appealing, they were pretty, confident, interesting, talented. 

I was letting certain ideas of myself hold me back from feeling similar to them. I told myself that I am too self-conscious on camera, that I feel and can be awkward on camera, that people would laugh at me or find me silly, that I am not as confident as other people. 

A lot of these insecurities come from childhood. The little girl inside wanted so badly to create, but she unfortunately grew up in a world where children are not allowed their full potential to create and be themselves, so they go on a bit more wounded through the years starting to protect themselves. They build their identity around what others tell them, and they let this dictate what they can and cannot do. What they are and are not capable of. 

And so this little girl was told that she was a hard worker, but she was too shy, too quiet, not confident enough…. She was pretty but there are girls who are prettier; that she is smart…. but not the smartest. 

So the little girl grew into an adult and my identity formed around these concepts of myself. Not labels I placed on myself, but labels others put on me. 

I peeled them away one-by-one, scraping off their stickiness; their lasting residue. 

“I don’t want these anymore.” I said as I removed their weight and restrictions on who I can be without their presence. Without the need to fit in someone else’s box. People who are not even in my life anymore and hold utterly no significance to my identity today. Why am I still living by their suffocating urge to label me so they can understand me? I ask in a powerless, childlike anger. But it is an anger at myself too. Because in pleasing others, I have neglected myself.

One afternoon, I asked my boyfriend if he would like to do a cacao ceremony for abundance. We both giggled at the idea, as rituals and ceremonies are not a normal part of our modern, overly logical and skeptical western society. Lately, I have enjoyed them though, as they bring a lightness and ethereal aspect to life. They allow you to bring magic and divinity into everyday life. And there needs to be no belief system for them to provide at least relaxation and connection to yourself; just by slowing down and sitting with yourself. 

We set up in our living room, I, not really knowing how you are supposed to do a cacao ceremony, but following what I have done with other practitioners, I brewed the cacao, put out two stone for the root and sacral chakras; the chakras of grounding, financial stability, worthiness, power, and childhood beliefs.

We wrote on pieces of paper what we wanted to discard. And I wrote down that I wanted to finally rid myself of not feeling enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough. My lack of confidence. My fear of not being safe in the world to just be me. 

And we burned the paper. In a very clumsy way, smoke blowing back through the window into our apartment as we leaned outside with the paper, avoiding setting the fire alarm off. 

As silly as it seemed, I really watched my insecurities go up in flames. I had had enough already. Enough of living by other people’s very limited definitions of me. The anger had cleared out these labels like the fire sent the paper up into smoke. It was time to let go. The little girl needed to be released from the shackles of not being enough for others, and not being able to create what she really wanted. 

It was like the floodgates broke. Not only work, but money poured into my life. I knew I had worked hard for this, but it was the releasing of restrictions that brought it in. Not trying to be more, or work harder, or be better. It was never about being more. It was about being me. It was stripping away what was blocking me from the abundant nature of our universe and what was trying to already come in, if I just allowed myself to walk through life freely as myself. 

But I am still working on what abundance means to me. The money and work is flooding in, but creative ideas and projects have been flooding in as well. And the more time I spend on those, the less I focus on the money. My true abundance is the ability to create. To feel heard in the world. Truly heard. Not faking it or covering it up to fit people’s labels. To feel that I can also share my story, and that my story wants to be received by others. That I have time for art, for living, being, exploring, curiosity, and connection. That is abundance to me. It is not just our individual wealth, but what we can share joyously with others. The reciprocal nature of life that is a fundamental law of our universe.

Abundance is not so much the acquiring of things. Although I won’t ignore it is a natural byproduct. But it is the removal of what blocks us from the true interconnectedness of the world. The blocks that tell us that no one wants to hear our story, or that no one wants to see our creations, that we are an isolated person in a world that may forget about us. Abundance is really a childlike energy. Seeing the world as a playground to create. There are infinite stories to tell and creations to make. We are not separate from life, but all co-creating it together. Each story really is a beautiful expression on the tapestry of life; incredibly unique and impossible to separate from the broader whole. And that is what abundance feels like to me. So don’t be afraid that you are not enough for it because it is already here and all around, you just need to free yourself to really allow it in.