Blog 11

Alchemy, Spring, Renewal

Springtime is here, and it has brought quite an interesting experience for me this year. Typically, spring is filled with a reawakening and a new kind of optimism that I forgot about in the winter months. The feeling of being able to breathe easier, and a lightness of being. Remembering that experience of years prior, I was itching to get back to that this year. That lightness and openness of the new season.

But life had some other plans for me this season. The season became busy. Project after project coming in. Of course, I said yes to all these opportunities. Graciously taking them in, for I know what it is like to not have work. And to be blessed with such a busy spring season, there is absolutely no way that I could turn them down. 

But the work continued flooding in, and it started to feel like the weight of the ocean was on top of me. I really despise having unfinished tasks sitting over me. I don’t do well with the feeling. So I became like a hamster, stuck in a wheel, churning away at the work, but seemingly not getting anywhere. 

“Be grateful, be grateful, be grateful.” 

Repeating to myself that I had wished for this kind of busyness. So I have to be grateful. Telling myself that I essentially cannot complain because we dream of seasons like this as business owners and freelancers. 

But a black cloud entered my world, and the bright, beautiful, vibrant springtime world looked bleak. 

“Was I taking on too much?” 

Creative projects started to fall away. Cooking took the backburner. Journaling became unessential. My sense of self began whittling away as I neglected her small hintings, at our all too often used term of the modern day, burnout. 

But I thought, “I’ve been burnt out before, it is fine if I do it for a little bit to get ahead.” 

I felt the dissolution of my identity more and more, until one day I decided it was time to reconnect, and I couldn’t find her. 

Alchemy is the process of transforming something by stripping it down to its essence, and revealing its pure form. I was reading about this in my current book “Hagitude,” and I loved how she compared it to personal human transformation. 

So this springtime is my personal alchemy. Completely unintentional, although I knew I wanted to write about this topic for my next blog. It is like the universe granted me a personal experience in real time to write about. 

The author goes on to explain the three stages of alchemy; Black Phase (Nigredo), White Phase (Albedo), and Red Phase (Rubedo). The Nigredo is the dark night of the soul/stripping of the old identity, Albedo is the purification, and the Rubedo is the completeness or wholeness after the integration of the experience. 

I have encountered many dark knights of the soul throughout my lifetime, but I suppose this was another mini one. My identity had been stripped down, as I neglected the activities that built it up. There was absolutely purification as well. A type of grief was taking place. I could feel the shedding happening. Emotions boiling up and being released. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but a type of fear that things would go out of control. 

During the phase between the Nigredo and Albedo, some interesting existential questions came up. Many about the identity I feel I need to be and the identity that just feels “right.” And this began to reveal to me shadows of my identity that I neglect in my work. As I am still greatly attached to ideas of being a busy and hardworking business owner, I know that I now, very strongly advocate for and believe in a holistic and nurturing approach to running a business. And so I stood at a complete crossroads in my identity. 

The woman who wants to prove to our patriarchal world that she can succeed just as much as the ambitious men, as well as women, who are competitive, hard working, and high achieving. And I will not deny these qualities are inherently bad, and that the patriarchy is all bad, as I am a very strong believer in neither a patriarchy nor matriarchy, but a healthy balance of feminine and masculine power. BUT, that woman and girl who grew up trying to prove her worth in those qualities, is beginning to dissolve. That identity has done its job for me, and I realize, in this Albedo phase, she is already mostly out the door. She is not gone, but she is allowing a more holistic identity to step in for expression. 

An identity that is influenced by an internal intuitive sense and also a collective awareness of working women that we are collapsing under the current system. Neglecting our bodies, our softness, emotions, and intuition. There is a collective transition of women trying to fit into the old, male-dominated system, and deciding, it is time we take off the mask of proving, and reveal our own innate and essential qualities. 

So the world woke up in spring, and it woke me up… by burning me down, stripping away, by saying enough already. I’ve been shown time and again, this is not the way forward. Life can be lived softly, balanced, joyously, and intuitively. And a business can be run that way as well. It is actually a beautiful way to run a business. That is when I feel a very deep connection to myself. 

As I currently reside in this Albedo phase, I await to bloom into the fullness of the Rubedo phase, but I understand there is a time of resting and integration that takes place. When releasing an old identity structure or patterns, there is a grieving that takes place. An emptiness that you yearn for to be filled, but a crucial state of renewal and becoming. A time when you have to allow the emptying of the old to be swept away. Because when you enter the Rubedo state, at first it may feel like an emptiness without the old patterns, but then what is revealed is the fullness and authenticity of your essence. A way to go through the world without proving, pretending, and hiding, but fully, freely, and joyously. And as business owners, that is the only way forward now. To lead a business that is radically yourself, your message, and your unique gift to this world.