Blog Post Five

Light, Warmth, Growth

May 8

My birthday is next week and part of me is ready to step into an older, more evolved version of myself, while another part of me can’t believe I will be turning 27. Although the calendar flipped to a new year in January, my birthday, falling in May, the season of rebirth, feels like a significant time for self-reflection on the year behind me, the year I am about to step into. 

How far have I come? Where did I grow? Where am I going? 

I started my career full-time at 23 upon graduating from film school. So May will mark 4 years of pursuing my craft and developing my business. 

And I do look back, and see the growth over the years. I finally am developing a sense of stability, consistency, a broad network of connections and creatives, and ongoing clients. 

I feel I have developed a deeper maturity in my work and how I approach certain circumstances in the field. 

As I have developed this greater maturity in myself, sometimes those little pestering thoughts of doubt knock at the doors of my awareness. 

“But she has been doing this for less time, and seems to have more work.” 

“She has so many skills and is the same age.” 

“They have more advanced, better equipment and look more professional.” 

And although I have learned to be kinder to my body over the last couple of years, like prioritizing my sleep, eating nourishing foods, and consistently keeping my body active, the cognitive patterns of wanting to be better have been more difficult to change than just the physical aspect of my being. 

So, I am trying to be better at not trying to feel like I need to be better. Which kinda ties your brain in a knot, right?

But it’s a pattern we all learned young. Whether we weren’t excelling in school, or we weren’t accepted by our peers, or our parents pushed us to do better. A lot of us learned this programming in our youth, that we are “not enough” and have to reach some ambiguous better version of ourselves. 

I think growing and evolving as a human is normal and an instinctual part of who we are, but sometimes it feels that many of us are on this hamster wheel of self-improvement without a clear knowing of why.

Coming from the ballet world, we were always taught to compare ourselves to the dancer next to us. Although photography is a step down from the ballet world, it still can be fiercely competitive. Sometimes it is scary to step away for a second because of the fear of someone getting ahead, or taking your jobs. But I know this method of perceiving the industry is not sustainable for me, and I want to look for another way.

As has been one of my greatest teachers lately, I look into the infinite wisdom of nature to explore these questions and to learn more about my inner essence. 

I finally had a bit of a slower day today, and went to Central Park for a run. The sun just starting to melt that deep  winter tension and mild depression from my soul. 

As I entered the park, I was in awe of the vibrancy and vividness of the plants and trees. A stunning green against a backdrop of beautiful clear blue sky. Bright purple trees, and small leaves dancing in the wind. It felt quite mystical, as I couldn’t fully grasp the depth of the beauty surrounding me. But also waking me up to the reminder of nature’s magnificence. 

The soft green leaves healing the trees of their winter scars. 

And as I jogged around the park, I tried to take in as much of the scenery as I could. So many colors of trees and plants in bloom. Each so different and unique, yet there was this interconnectedness that each individual made the entirety of the scene awe-strikingly stunning. 

I finished my run and there  was that feeling of cathartic release. The physical exhaustion, yet the morning tension washed away. The absorption of the golden sun rays into my body only calming me further.

As I walked home, I thought about the long list of things I had, or really “had” to do. And I kinda just shrugged my shoulders, admiring the spring fever sweeping through the city. The streets busy with people greeting one another, stopping for a chat. 

Does spring remind all of us that it is also ok to enjoy life sometimes? 

Winter tension easing, and something in the air making each task feel just a little less taxing and strenuous. 

Two things entered into my mind.

A YouTuber I have been following lately published a new video this week titled, “Life Is Not Meant To Be Rushed.” 

And a quote I heard, “Nothing in nature rushes, yet everything is accomplished.” 

And so when I got home, I decided to take these to heart. Which I have been working on lately. But I think these patterns can be difficult to change, especially when they can stem from fears of “falling behind” or “needing to better myself.” 

Because sometimes, I think, we all get a little afraid that if we take that step back for ourselves, the world will move forward without us. But is this really true?

I have taken up cooking lately, and I would have to say I love having it as another creative outlet. So when I got home, I cooked a meal that I thought would take 15 minutes, but instead it took an hour. But I reminded myself, that “everything will still get done.” And I mindfully enjoyed my food. When I finished, I maybe spent another 30 minutes cleaning. And I didn’t rush even though it felt like I had so many little tasks to get to. Almost a compulsion to start on the productive stuff already! And letting go of that is so difficult because most of my life, I have been wired to see how many productive tasks I can fit in one day.

Because you will be irresponsible, right? You will let people down? You won’t get to the deadline in time? Everything around you will crumble that you’ve worked so hard for? 

But maybe there is a different way? Can we nurture ourselves and also thrive in our work and life?

As a freelancer and entrepreneur, I think this mentality is more than just a possibility. It is essential. Because how do we not burn out? How do we practice self-care in the midst of constant competition? 

I want longevity in my career because I love what I do, so I have decided to create a path forward in my life that will support that.

And so I let myself join with nature in just enjoying this day and not rushing. Letting the spring weather lift the winter heaviness from my body.

And this winter was tough. The cold, grey, darkness that can’t help, but add a denseness and melancholy feeling to life. A need to hibernate and conserve. But today I am reminded of the infinite vividness and vibrancy life brings, but that can only truly be understood by the dichotomy of the seasons. And we go through those seasons in our own lives as well. A constant cycle of reverting to a place of introspection and hibernation to blooming into a new self.

The appreciation for the beauty of nature in spring brought also the realization of the harmonious dance between all the different organisms, collectively blooming together. Not one is like the other. Each tree bends a different way, and each flower grows to a different height. Yet they are all entangled with one another. Making a scene more stunning than just looking at one organism alone.

So even though I may admire someone else or their skills and talents, or their success in business, I am learning to lean into my individual footprint on this Earth. Because it is not about us all being the same, evolving at the same pace, or having the same talents. It is our own individuality that creates the harmonious dance of society and the entire world. And when one of us blooms, like nature, it encourages the rest of us to bloom as well. 

And as I reflected on these thoughts this week I see that stepping into 27 isn’t about “being better.” What I want when I step into 27 is to learn to be myself. It is about finding the most authentic part of myself that I want to express right now. Does not mean a past me has been better or a future me will be better. What does my work, the world, and myself need me to authentically express right now? 

And what I have learned is that is how I can best serve myself, my business, and the planet. And I hope that going forward, we create a society that nourishes and encourages the innate diverseness and endless creativity of our beings because then, I believe, as a society, we can create something as infinitely beautiful as Earth herself.